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Anonymous
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I always told myself I’d be better than that but now I’m more confused than what I was when I was in the closet. At least there I didn't have to worry about this. I guess I'm asking what do I do or at least how did everyone else get through this. Maybe I did do this too soon.

I don’t think that you did anything “too soon”.  I really don’t.  I think this is part of discovery for you.  

I’m not sure if this will be wildly popular of advice for you, but I think you want what you want.  As long as you are courteous and don’t trash someone for not feeling that way towards them… I think it’s ok, quite honestly.  

We are all attracted to different types of people.  There really is no set way a person “needs” to feel.  Why do I mention this?  You say that you feel that you’re being picky when you have no right to be picky.  You know who and what attracts you, and it surely doesn’t sound like you have found him yet.

Only you can decide who works for you and for what reasons.  If you feel that you’re being too picky, you can lighten up on your “restrictions” but only YOU know if that is realistic or not.  If you say that you will only talk to a guy who has blue eyes… only YOU will know if you can look past that.  

I think you have to go through your list of restrictions… your list of reasons as to why you turn a person away… and TRULY decide if it is crucial to you.  You may find that there are areas that are far less important to you than other areas… but truly… only you have that answer.

I think we all go through deciding what we want in a partner.  This is part of the process.  You really can’t compare it to what others say and think because it’s YOUR attraction that we’re talking about.

My gut is telling me that you just haven’t found what you’re looking for.  I think when he comes along, you will feel differently.  

As long as you’re being honest with yourself… I think you are ok.  And you’re not doing this too soon.  This is honestly part of the process.  Everyone has to figure out what it is that they want in a partner.  Everyone.  If you aren’t rude… do your best to be friendly.  

Oh, and don’t assume what the person wants before they tell you.  Lol.  That would be my other recommendation.  Some people do just want to be friends.

You’re in an ok place, but I’m here to help.  If you need to talk about it further, please let me know.  :-)

~kev

Anonymous
asks:
I also feel like I’m being too picky when I have no right to be. I don’t feel or think that I’m attractive (probably due to my god damn hard to shift weight, been trying for three years) and It sucks cause I hate that I don’t feel anything for people that obviously do like me. Another thing that scares me is rejecting someone that might like me but I don’t feel anything for them and I am scared of being mean to them. Part 3 coming next...

Alright… I’m following you.. onto part 3…

Anonymous
asks:
I’ve been a longtime fan of your blog and see all the amazing things you do so I’m hoping that maybe you could help me with something. I’m 24 and recently I’ve come out of the closet to by best friend which has given me just enough confidence to start looking to date. I know I’m ready for a relationship and I’ve put myself on an online dating service but I feel like maybe I’ve done it too soon; that I should’ve waited longer before doing any of this. Part 2 coming next....

Alright… I’m curious as to why you want to wait with online dating… onto part 2…

Anonymous
asks:
I don't know if you remember me. I ask about my boyfriend who wanted to be straight. Today we sat down,and talked and we kissed and I realized that maybe he's afraid to be judged. He say's "I only do this for you." But every time we're together it's nothing in the world that matters. I just want to know how to be with him if he's afraid? How can we keep having sex if he's straight? I don't want to force him to be gay I just need to know how can I be with him. He's my all. Sincerely, Gâhéem

That really is the golden question.  How do you be with him when he’s straight?  It’s really going to be an important question for you to answer.

I really don’t know the answer to this one.  For a man to be into another man… he would at least be bisexual.  At the very least.  At least that is what I believe.

Personally, I think that doing something with ONE man ONE time would at least make you curious… and after having sex multiple times and still staying just as intense… would lead me to believe that he’s bisexual… again… at the very least.

So why does that matter?  Because I think you can look at this a bit differently.  His body does crave you… HE craves you.  He’s just having some issues coming to terms with himself.  That would be what I would believe.  Now does that mean much?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  The sex can sometimes be very important in a decision making process… and sometimes not.  It really depends upon the person.

In any event, the bigger question here actually doesn’t matter much on what he calls himself.  How do you be with someone who is afraid?  This is where you have to decide for yourself if you are going to be OK with him never changing.  Why do I say that?  A man changes when a man wants to.  That sounds like machismo, right?!  Well, what I mean is that it’s impossible for someone to change if they don’t feel that they should.  No matter who tells them that they should… it needs to make sense to them to change.

So why am I saying that?  If you think he is the one for you… then that means you need to be OK with the idea that he may never change from this.  That’s worst case.  I’d like to think that as people continue on their journey, they do naturally change… but some people don’t.   And we’ll never know that answer, unfortunately.  

I guess this really boils back down to whether or not you can find happiness with him this way, and whether or not you would be willing to live with his fear.  Because accepting him… means accepting the way he is… and how he feels.  We can always hope for change, but change can’t be imposed… he would have to want to get past that fear.

Is it possible?  Sure.  I would never tell you that it’s hopeless as nobody could ever predict the future.  So holding out hope that he will change isn’t anywhere out of the realm of possibility.  But I guess, at the end of the day, for me… I would say that you have to accept him for where he is and truly be cool with it.

What does THAT mean?  That means there are probably times where he won’t want you too close.. or in public… may want to walk away from you… or go to movies and leave that “straight guy” space between each other by having a seat between you… or maybe he won’t want to go out because he’s afraid of who may see you guys even tho you may be on the other side of town.  And that’s just scratching the surface.

So… only you can answer this question.  It has to come from you… why?  Because if you choose to continue with him, you’re accepting him that way. And NOBODY can tell you how to make up your mind on this.  Why?  Because we are all different.  I can’t tell you to let him go because he’s afraid.  I can’t tell you to stay with him if he’s afraid.  

All I can do is tell you that the decision really needs to be weighed out by you.  You have to be ok with it all.

I hope this helps some.  It’s a really difficult question because every person has their own set of expectations and desires in a partner.  Know yours… and that should give you your answer.

Let me know if that helps!

~kev

Anonymous
asks:
Hey I was wondering do you know where I could find some straight acting white guys that like black guys, because I'm black btw. I love your blog too. Oh yeah and I really don't like going to clubs or anything. Please help I want love in my life.

Never limit where you find your man.  You’ll be surprised at how it happens.  :-)  I’m not sure as to why you would want to limit yourself.  He may turn up anywhere.

You could try OKCupid, single groups at the LGBT center, meetup.org may have some groups in your area… anywhere really.  There may even be an interracial group that caters specifically to what you’re wanting.

You want love in your life.  That may take some time.  Just take a deep breath… and push on.  You’ll find him.  :-)

I’m not sure if there are any specific site that you can check out.  Maybe one of my followers knows of a good place since you are very specific on what you’re looking for… straight acting white guy that likes black guys.

I am confident that you will find your man.  :-D  RAWR!

~kev

Anonymous
asks:
4. A couple of days ago I really fell out against him because of his behavior. At first he was pissed and told me once more that's just who he is, but it ended on a friendly note with him saying he'd try to watch his words from now on. Haven't heard from him since. What do I do? Most of all I just want for him to know me the way I really am and to stop looking down on me, but how do I manage that? I still like him and before all of this he could be so sweet. I really want this to be over.

I know you like him.  That much is clear, but why are you going through such a rigorous process just to have a friendship with him?  I’m a bit confused here.  

There is a level at which two people care for each other and it comes out as aggression… sarcasm… all kinds of stuff like that.  The challenge is that it doesn’t usually go the direction that people want.

You want him to know you the way you “really are” and to stop looking down on you.  I can’t make that happen.  In fact, nobody can make him see you in any other way than how he sees you.  So what do you do?  You embrace who you are… be the best YOU that you can be… focus on the things that make you happy… and see what happens.

You can’t force someone to see you in a certain way.  It’s not possible.  A person will feel manipulated.  You just have to be the person you want him to see… if that’s truly who you are.  

You both react from each other.  It sounds like it can get pretty explosive with you guys.

It may be best for you two to take some time off from each other.  Re-sort your priorities.  Why do that?  When you’re too close to the issue… you lose a lot of focus… a LOT.  You know what I’m talking about.  There are times when you guys fight about things that just don’t make a ton of sense.  It means you’re too close to the situation.  The drama and frustration just builds and builds and then you both snap at each other.  It gets explosive for a bit, and then everyone gets back into their respective corners.

I think that taking some time away to get a better perspective will really help this situation.  If you think that will kill what’s left of your friendship, then you really have to ask yourself what it is that you’re fighting for.  What do you want?  If you want to continue with what you have… you surely can…but what IS IT that you guys have?!  If you’re fighting and bickering…then maybe… you just have a connection… not even a friendship. 

I always think that taking some time away is the best option.  And if that doesn’t solve anything…then you have to ask yourself if it may just be better that you both go your separate ways for awhile.  

Let me know what you think.  I know you want to save your friendship but is that what this is?  And how motivated are you due to your attraction to him?  You need to know some of these things.  Look deep into your emotions… and ask yourself the hard questions.  You need to be honest with yourself.

I’m here for you.  This isn’t easy… but we can get through it.  :-)

I hope that helps!

~kev

Anonymous
asks:
3. He thought we were too different when I thought it was the opposite. I said I wasn't really interested (because I'd rather be friends than nothing at all) and we had a long, good convo, but it turned out the way he sees me is far from positive and just not who I am. I tried telling him a couple of times but it just doesn't help and he keeps getting bitchier at moments. When I get pissed and say something about it he just plays it of as teasing and says that's just who he is.

Ok… onto the final part…

Anonymous
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2. But after a few weeks he started replying less and he could be really sweet for a week and do nothing but making snarky comments the other. It started getting worse and he even invited me to this ice-skating event with a bunch of people he knows, but ended up barely talking to me when I was there even though he knew he was the only one I knew there. I ended up asking him what was going on and he said he thought I wanted to be more than friends and he didn't want to give me a false impression.

Onto part 3…

Anonymous
asks:
1. There's this guy I met online in May who, at first seemed really into me but as I wasn't that interested, I never made an effort to see him even though he asked me plenty of times. Then over the summer he started referring to me as a friend. In september I moved to the city he lives in for uni and he came over during the first week. He was really enthusiastic about it and came back the day after. I started to get interested in him.

Alright…

Anonymous
asks:
Hey, I haven't had much luck with guys, I have never really had anything like a relationship, either I meet guys who seem really nice at first but then turn out to only want in my pants, or I meet guys who are amazing and they say they only want to be friends/not looking for a committed relationship. My question is how do I go about meeting someone, I am constantly feeling lonely, I haven't really been happy lately, how is this all supposed to work ? I have like no experience with this ?

OKCupid is where I would start online.  You can also check out some singles groups at the LGBT center.  :-)

The issue is that there are so many different types of men out there.  Men who want a relationship… men who want to fuck… men who don’t know what they want… and sorting through all of that seems daunting.

What helps, to me, is to be very clear what you’re looking for on your profiles and communication with others.  It’s not going to stop it from happening, but it should help keep away SOME of the ones that you’re not interested in.

The best thing that you can do is to keep positive… knowing that your man is out there looking for you.  It may take more time than you think possible…but it will happen.  You WILL find him.  

You’re learning a lot about men.  Take your time when you’re dating them… as you will find the genuine ones through time.  A guy who is just horny usually will want something fairly immediate (within a few weeks/months).  You’re seeing that for yourself.  Learn with each experience with a guy.  You’ll start to really see the genuine ones from the ones who just want to play.

There’s something interesting to think about when it comes to “luck” with guys.  All of us… ALL of us are unlucky when it comes to meeting men until we meet the one for us.  You know?  I had bad luck before meeting Chris.   Why?  Finding the one in a crowd of millions takes time.  Some people find something sooner than others…but ALL of us don’t come out of the gate meeting the man of our dreams.  So instead of looking at each situation and getting more and more lonely… see each situation as a chance to better ourselves for when he comes along.  :-)  I mean it.  I’ve learned a lot from past failed relationships.  We ALL do.  

Press on.  Stay positive.  You WILL find your man.  I know it.  :-)

Let me know if that helps!


~kev